Whats your favorite joke?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
  • Andrew Pratt
    Moderator Emeritus
    • Aug 2000
    • 16507

    Whats your favorite joke?

    Ok this could be fun...but lets keep it somewhat tasteful

    As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

    "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

    From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"




  • Trevor Schell
    Moderator Emeritus
    • Aug 2000
    • 10935

    #2
    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
    To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"




    Trevor
    My HomeTheater S.E.
    Sonically Enhanced
    C5
    Trevor



    XBOX 360 CARD

    Comment

    • Trevor Schell
      Moderator Emeritus
      • Aug 2000
      • 10935

      #3
      An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over
      the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
      "where have ya been?"

      "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

      "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

      "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
      "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
      your car?"

      "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."




      Trevor
      My HomeTheater S.E.
      Sonically Enhanced
      C5
      Trevor



      XBOX 360 CARD

      Comment

      • Trevor Schell
        Moderator Emeritus
        • Aug 2000
        • 10935

        #4
        Into a pub comes Andrew, looking like he'd just
        been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to
        you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

        "Jamie O'Conner and I had a fight," says Andrew.

        "That little wimp,O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."

        "He sure did," said Andrew, "He had a shovel and gave me a terrible licking with it."

        "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

        "Yeah I did," said Andrew, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."




        Trevor
        My HomeTheater S.E.
        Sonically Enhanced
        C5
        Trevor



        XBOX 360 CARD

        Comment

        • KennyG
          Moderator Emeritus
          • Sep 2000
          • 745

          #5
          What do you call the Clinton administration?


          A scandal between two Bushes!

          Comment

          • George Bellefontaine
            Moderator Emeritus
            • Jan 2001
            • 7637

            #6
            You guys are just too funny. I love jokes but can never remember how they went, and when I do try to tell one, I always seem to screw up the punch line.




            My Homepage!
            My Homepage!

            Comment

            • Patrick Sun
              Super Senior Member
              • Aug 2000
              • 1380

              #7
              Tim Burton.




              PatCave; HT Pix;Gear;DIY Projects;DVDs; LDs
              PatCave; HT Pix;Gear;DIY Projects;DVDs; LDs

              Comment

              • Andrew Pratt
                Moderator Emeritus
                • Aug 2000
                • 16507

                #8
                not a tim burton fan Pat?




                Comment

                • Bing Fung
                  Ultra Senior Member
                  • Aug 2000
                  • 6521

                  #9
                  Did you hear about the peanut in the park??
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  .
                  It was "A Salted"






                  Bing
                  Bing

                  Comment

                  • Lex
                    Moderator Emeritus
                    • Apr 2001
                    • 27461

                    #10
                    I dunno what my favorite is, but it's bound to be on you, lol.

                    Lex
                    Doug
                    "I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!" - Kramer

                    Comment

                    • Buzz Goddard
                      Senior Member
                      • Dec 2000
                      • 128

                      #11
                      It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me
                      in remembering a great icon.

                      The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
                      complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.
                      Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out
                      to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the
                      California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

                      The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt
                      Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who never knew how
                      much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later
                      life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
                      wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little
                      flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a
                      roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise
                      again, but alas, he was no tart.

                      Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
                      and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
                      elderly father, Pop Tart.
                      The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.




                      Buzz Goddard
                      <IMG SRC="http://www.tagmclarenaudio.com/icons/logo_inv.gif"
                      Buzz Goddard
                      <IMG SRC="http://www.tagmclarenaudio.com/icons/logo_inv.gif"

                      Comment

                      • George Bellefontaine
                        Moderator Emeritus
                        • Jan 2001
                        • 7637

                        #12
                        Buzz
                        That IS FUNNY.




                        My Homepage!
                        My Homepage!

                        Comment

                        • MRWILLL
                          Senior Member
                          • Aug 2000
                          • 107

                          #13
                          A guy went into his favorite bar and told the bartender to give him a triple shot of Remy, and keep`em coming. The bartender ask the guy what was wrong, the guy told him, if you had what I had you'd be in big trouble. After the 10th shot, the bartender was real nerveous, and asked the guy what is it that you have. The guy staggered to hold onto the bar and told him, I only have 30 cents to pay for these drinks.




                          STOP!!...LOOK!!...LISTEN!!
                          DVD...Hear it from the people who
                          mixed and mastered it "LEXICON".
                          STOP!!...LOOK!!...LISTEN!!
                          DVD...Hear it from the people who
                          mixed and mastered it "LEXICON".

                          Comment

                          • Tibor
                            Member
                            • Oct 2000
                            • 66

                            #14
                            A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
                            know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start
                            swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old
                            continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and
                            you say "ass," okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.

                            The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants
                            for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.".....WHACK! He
                            flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs
                            upstairs bawling.

                            The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do
                            YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can
                            bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

                            Comment

                            • Susan
                              Moderator Emeritus
                              • Jan 2001
                              • 105

                              #15
                              A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a

                              rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to "write" with it.

                              He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing his

                              mistake, he says, "Well, that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen."

                              Comment

                              • Buzz Goddard
                                Senior Member
                                • Dec 2000
                                • 128

                                #16
                                Ewwww.
                                And funny!




                                Buzz Goddard
                                <IMG SRC="http://www.tagmclarenaudio.com/icons/logo_inv.gif"
                                Buzz Goddard
                                <IMG SRC="http://www.tagmclarenaudio.com/icons/logo_inv.gif"

                                Comment

                                • Lex
                                  Moderator Emeritus
                                  • Apr 2001
                                  • 27461

                                  #17
                                  This is all funny stuff! I won't play favorites except to say I laughed my A$$ off Susan, But something stinks about that joke, I just can't, and don't want to put my finger on it, lol!

                                  Lex
                                  Doug
                                  "I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!" - Kramer

                                  Comment

                                  • Learning
                                    Junior Member
                                    • Aug 2000
                                    • 7

                                    #18
                                    About a month ago, George Bush visited the Queen of England. During the visit, he inquired as to why her Highness enjoyed such a civilized government, while George had to constantly deal with contentious partisan conflict at home.

                                    "That's simple," the Queen replied. "In our country, all who enter public service are highly intelligent and well-educated. I'll show you." With that, she picked up the phone and called Tony Blair.

                                    "Tony," she asked, "your father has a child who's not your brother, and your mother has a child who's not your sister. Who is it?" "Why it's me, mum!", Blair promptly replied. "Thank you Tony," the Queen said, looking knowingly at Bush.

                                    George was so impressed at this that the moment he returned to the White House, he called in Dick Cheney. "Dick," the President asked, "your father has a child who's not your brother and your mother has a child who's not your sister. Who is it?" "Geez, George," Cheney replied, "I have no idea, but I'll get right on it!" With that, Cheney called the Cabinet together and they struggled with the problem for hours.

                                    Finally, Colin Powell happened by. Cheney asked, "Colin, your father has a child who's not your brother, and your mother has a child who's not your sister. Who is it?" Without a moment's hesitation, Powell replied, "It's me!".

                                    Cheney ran down the hall, burst into the Oval Office and cried, "George, I've got it! It took a while, but the answer is 'Colin Powell'!"

                                    Bush looked up with that trademark sarcastic scowl and replied, "No, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

                                    Comment

                                    • Lex
                                      Moderator Emeritus
                                      • Apr 2001
                                      • 27461

                                      #19
                                      Hey Learning! Welcome to htguide. I heard the joke before, but wanted to welcome you, having known you from DT days. That is if your the same Learning, which I suspect you are.
                                      Welcome!
                                      Lex
                                      Doug
                                      "I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!" - Kramer

                                      Comment

                                      • Learning
                                        Junior Member
                                        • Aug 2000
                                        • 7

                                        #20
                                        Been lurking for a while... Not doing much in the way of upgrades, so there's been little to learn. Great forum!

                                        Comment

                                        • Susan
                                          Moderator Emeritus
                                          • Jan 2001
                                          • 105

                                          #21
                                          The Jar

                                          A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
                                          "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

                                          A nice analogy of life by the professor, but not perfect....

                                          A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar, soaking through the sand, making the jar truly full. Proving that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer...

                                          :=)
                                          Susan

                                          Comment

                                          • P-Dub
                                            Office Moderator
                                            • Aug 2000
                                            • 6766

                                            #22
                                            Good one Susan. I've seen that one before.

                                            Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

                                            Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

                                            "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

                                            The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

                                            Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your @#$%&*# cat."
                                            Paul

                                            There are three kinds of people in this world; those that can count, and those that can't.

                                            Comment

                                            • Susan
                                              Moderator Emeritus
                                              • Jan 2001
                                              • 105

                                              #23
                                              Hopefully this won't offend..just thought it might start off your weekend:

                                              Subject: Diesel fitter

                                              Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off,
                                              so off they went to the unemployment office.

                                              When asked about his occupation, Ole said, "Panty
                                              stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

                                              The clerk looked up "panty stitcher". Finding it
                                              classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 per
                                              week unemployment pay.

                                              Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he
                                              replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the
                                              clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

                                              When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back
                                              into the office to find out why his friend and
                                              coworker was collecting double his pay.

                                              The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled
                                              and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

                                              "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the
                                              panties. Sven pulls them down on his head and says,
                                              'Yah, diesel fitter.'

                                              Comment

                                              Working...
                                              Searching...Please wait.
                                              An unexpected error was returned: 'Your submission could not be processed because you have logged in since the previous page was loaded.

                                              Please push the back button and reload the previous window.'
                                              An unexpected error was returned: 'Your submission could not be processed because the token has expired.

                                              Please push the back button and reload the previous window.'
                                              An internal error has occurred and the module cannot be displayed.
                                              There are no results that meet this criteria.
                                              Search Result for "|||"