MPAA Rating: PG-13 for non-stop creature violence, frightening images, sensuality
Runtime: 132 minutes
Director/Writer:
Stephen Sommers (Deep Rising, The Mummy, The Mummy Returns)
Cast:
Hugh Jackman - (X-Men, X-II, Swordfish, Kate & Leopold) as Gabriel Van Helsing
Kate Beckinsale - (Pearl Harbor, Underworld, Serendipity) as Anna Valerious
Richard Roxburg - (Mission Impossible II, Moulin Rouge, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen) as Count Dracula
David Wenham - (Moulin Rouge, The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy, Dark City) as Carl
Robbie Coltrane - (From Hell, The Harry Potter movies, Message In A Bottle) as Mr. Hyde
For only the second time in my life, I walked out of a movie before it had finished. Van Helsing not only did not meet my minimal expectations in a film, it did not meet them in a fairly catastrophic manner. Stephen Sommers has done several decent-to-good movies and I was expecting something similar in touch and feel with his effort The Mummy - well, my bad. Sadly, the combination of Sommers, Jackman, Beckinsale and Coltrane didn’t add up to more than the sum of its parts. In fact, it fell far short of the potential inherent in that group. More on this in a moment - let me get my blood-pressure back to normal.
This "story" (there's gotta be one in there somewhere - oh, maybe not) follows Gabriel Van Helsing, an internationally infamous killer/revered holy man (WHAT?), as he is sent by a secret order of the Catholic church to wipe out Count Dracula and his minions in Transylvania, and at the same time save an important family line from eternal damnation. Quickly running into the basement of the cathedral as he’s leaving, he finds Carl, his trusty medieval weapons inventor/scientist/comic relief who has the absolute latest in demon-killing - a rapid fire crossbow. Yep, you heard it here first folks - a weapon that resembles a baby Gatling gun mated with a crossbow that shoots a gazillion bolts (with a muzzle velocity close to that of an M-16) before needing a reload. The silliness only goes downhill from there. Once Gabriel and Carl get to Transylvania they immediately encounter Anna, the last surviving member of the family needing to be saved. She a bustier-wearing, super-tight-Lycra-pant-wearing (did they have Lycra back then?), and high-heel-wearing vixen that has more weapons cached on her than Arnold carries in one of the Terminator movies. Now, to top it off, as best I could tell, if it’s supposed to be a cartoon, no-one told the actors. They try to soldier on, over-acting and emoting for everything they are worth - on EVERY SINGLE LINE. The best example I can give is that watching this movie is like being in a Harlequin romance novel - you know, the old bodice-rippers. Women with chests heaving, and strong, silent, steely-eyed, mysterious men. I can’t go on. . . .
:banghead:
With the exception of Carl,, who did bring a few good moments with him, there was no sense of connection between any of the actors. There was no sense of anyone believing in their own character. It was a bunch of disjointed performances by people that seemed to be trying to overcome their lack of enthusiasm for their roles by going over-the-top on drama. I wore thin very quickly. There wasn't a sense of direction or cohesiveness from Mr. Sommers, either. Again, had it been marketed as a cartoon/parody it might have come closer to working, but it wasn't, and so it didn't.
I do have to admit that the production values are rather high for the most part. It’s a generally a very nice image. Good detail and stylish colors are used to good effect in the various scenes. Another strange-seeming item was the special effects - they range from excellent (the werewolf change-overs) to “did they use crayons?” (the flying wives of Dracula).
Audio is a constant barrage on your ears from all channels, including the deep bass. Good channel separation gives you quite the feeling of things whizzing, jumping, howling, flying, crashing all around you. Unfortunately too, the actors’ voices are very clear and easily understood. Had they been mumbling rather than over-emoting, the movie might have worked better.
I could go on for days, but nah. Stay away. Stay FAR away from Van Helsing.
I give it :1: (for PQ/SQ) out of :5:.
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