DIY brings out terrifying feelings (and shame)

[DearS]

I'm writing this because its important to me, and I suspect to many others also. This is what is at the core of many readers IMO! I've studied this is for 6 years now, I'm certain. To dismiss what I'm typing is not only dishonest but irresponsible, denial and fear, IMO! It took a while for me to realize this. Not being responsible about this causes us to miss out on life.

I've wanted a great (Modula or similar) system for a while. Whats more, I wanted the savings, pride, and lessons that come with DIY. In my journey through DIY, I've felt unworthy of the great systems I wanted. I'm certain I'm worthy, intellectually, but on an emotional level its not so clear, I do not feel so certain. I feel unworthy. I feel like a loser. I feel terrible. I fell sad, angry, and shame. Still its ok, I dont feel completely worthless/unworthy. My spirit also feels broken, like somethings wrong with me. Those feelings are terrifying. Because they feel real, even though they are not fact. I feel incompetent, unlovable and stupid. Growing up in this shame based society thought me relate and feel this way about myself. Society teaches shame. I felt shame before, through, and after building my system. I put my self down for making mistakes. Even if I did not want to, I was powerless but to react with shame towards myself. We need to be honest. Shame, is a big part of life, its a big part of DIY. IMO its the central reason those who love DIY procrastinate, quit, feel down, etc..etc...

We need take responsibility and make removing the shame a top priority. Individually, for our own good. So that we can enjoy life and great sound systems with serenity, gusto, and happiness.

[Dennis H]

Quoting that great Saturday Night Live philosopher Stuart Smalley: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

[PMazz]

And all the fishies in the deep blue sea.....

[Evil Twin]

Shame will come if you believe the common wisdom that anything can be learned quickly and easily with little effort, and you plunge into an endeavor conducted by skilled artisans and masters, and find that as a Padawan learner, you don't measure up yet, and you may not for years.

This is reality.... you must deal with it, or you cannot grow. Learn and understand the ways of the universe, instead of hoping it will understand you. Work and achieve mastery of those things which matter to you... or you will never even become a worthy Padawan.


You may start with a non- DIY book, by John Bradshaw, "Healing the Shame that Binds you".

[DearS]

I was afraid of getting criticized. I'm glad I posted the thread and glad to see others have read it. Thank you for the responses.

[hdspeakerman]

Accept Yourself

I have felt many of the same emotions that you have described and the diy community has, through their own continuing efforts, helped me to accept that they exist and allowed me to move on a little. I think that Mr. Vader has some strong words of wisdom and while these forums are wonderful sometimes it is easier and faster to just ask some one than to seek the answers yourself in your own work and in your own way. I hope that opening up your heart to people that understand what you are feeling will help you to move another step forward. :T

[Jed]

It is very important to put one's ego aside and listen to what is real. We are very very small in comparison to this concept we call, "reality," and this awareness is humbling to say the least. That said, I believe patience and perseverence are the keys to happiness. The human mind and emotions associated with it are perplexing and a paradox of reason and mystery. When one can continue to grow, learn, and enjoy the "mistakes", suddenly things are not so mysterious anymore and can often end up being quite beautiful. In my opinion, shame is a mirage of fear, and fear a reflection of the false self. Peel the layers back to find the truth. This philosophy of reflection, is a macrocosm of the details found in life. IMO.

Jed

[Undefinition]

Something tells me that it's not speakers that are causing you feelings of shame.

Speakers are THINGS. There is no THING on this planet that will satiate a feeling of shame. So you certainly don't have to feel intimidated or unworthy; speakers don't make your worth, nor does any other possession OR ACCOMPLISHMENT.

You don't have to buy into the sick world view that people are only "worthy" of things because of something they do or think or say. We all have worth, simply because we ARE. If you have consciousness, then you are alive--therefore you have worth. if you build a great pair of speakers or climb a mountain or earn a billion dollars, that's fine and all, but it doesn't make you a better person, or more worthy of happiness.

Lord Vader's book recommendation was a pretty good one.
I would also recommend this:

http://paulcarmody.googlepages.com/selfesteem

[Tommythecat]

Undefinition, you misunderstand. While speakers are things, we are people. Shame is something learned and self-fostered after a period of time. Guilt is related to actions, while shame is purely related to the self.

And i dont feel society as a whole promotes the idea of shame. There is more evidence that it does nothing to bring awareness to the people who feel or deal shame instead of somehow promoting it. To say "Society promotes shame" is too vague as "society" is too large in this day and age, your immediate family or the small community that surround you (other parents, peers, teachers) affect you much more. When was the last time a movie or song shamed you?

But OTOH, i've never felt shame unless it was in reference to what someone said to me. I aim to please, which is probably a skill I learned early on, so I only feel shame in relation to others. I've never experienced isolated shame, so the original post feels very strange to me.

[joecarrow]

Sometimes I stop and think, "Wow, is it really ethical to spend thousands of dollars on a home theater, nice furniture, etc, when there are so many people in such great need?"

And so I try to keep a balance. There really are things and accomplishments that can make you feel good. I'm doing a charity bike ride in a couple of weeks- that has me feeling good. I sometimes do volunteer work, and when I do I definitely enjoy it and feel good about it afterwards. I allow myself some creature comforts, and I haven't thought about it in a while, but I guess I justify it in the thought that if I can have recreation and relaxation, I will stay saner and be a better person for it.

An old one that I like to bring out occasionally goes like this:

An audiophile is walking down the road, and he sees someone listening to a beat up, broken down, AM radio. The audiophile asks, "My god, what is that you are listening to?", to which the music lover looks puzzled and says, "Beethoven."

The point of that parable, to me, is that when it all comes down to it, there's no reason to feel bad about the "quality" of what you're listening to music on. You go for "good enough" to hear what you want to hear, then forget it's there. Heck, I have some *ugly* router work on my baffles, and I definitely can not hear it when I'm watching DVDs or listening to CDs. I leave the grilles on because it makes my wife happy, and lets me forget that I'm not a master carpenter.

I guess I'm not sure I understand the root of your negative feelings, although I do know that it can help to talk things out (even if it's just typing to yourself and hitting 'delete' after).

As far as DIY goes, I've adopted a "just do it" attitude. If I can't just do it, then it's probably too ambitious right now, and I go ahead and spend the money on a commercial product. If I'm really interested, then I find a smaller subset of the interesting thing and break it down until I can do something small enough to be a low-investment learning opportunity. If you want to do something like the Modula and it's a little too much for you (that countersunk baffle almost did me in!), then there really are folks around who can help lend a hand in one way or another, or point you in the right direction. That's what I like best about a good DIY forum. More than just a bank of knowledge, it's a collection of folks who can point the way to existing resources and publications, and who can pass on some tribal knowledge that isn't necessarily in print.

[tpremo55]

Very interesting post. Thank you for invoking me to ponder just why I DIY.

In my estimation, I've been gifted with the ability to do many things just a bit better on the first round than the average noobie. While this may come as being a bit self serving, the reality is that I am FAR from a master at anything. But this ability to be good enough helped to fuel a fire and build a desire to try my hand at a number of different hobbies in the past.

In the late 80's and early 90's, I was doing too many different things to really get good at any of them. By the mid-90's I had completely turned my focus to work and many of my hobbies fell by the wayside. Soon after I began to feel the void of growth outside of my chosen vocation.

To throw another quote in the thread: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"...

At this juncture in my life, I resolved to reintroduce DIY as a hobby. As I was starting back into DIY, I noted a completely different attitude. When I was young, I was cocky and willing to do anything to learn. Back then, achievement was marked by growth and growth was expected. Things were expected to be 'new'. By the time I had come back around to get back into DIY, my status in life was different. Career and family had replaced individual dedications. I was expected to know what I was doing in most aspects of my life. When you are hired for a skill, the inability to do that skill is considered a bad thing. This was reflected in my attitude toward DIY much more than it should be. While my projects were in many ways more ambitious than previous, I somehow expected that the beginner skills acquired almost 20 years ago had somehow advanced with age without practice. This caused me the hesitation, self-doubt, procrastination, and to a degree shame that you mention.

I do however take a slightly different look at the situation. While all these feelings are both real and realized, they pale in comparison to the sense of achievement that I once drew from the activity and will once again. After all, achievement and growth is the goal. Pride in creation.

There is another aspect that I find contributes to hesitation that I lacked in early activities. Anyone familiar with the Landmark Education program recognizes that knowledge falls into three categories:
1. You know what you know. (I know how to how to ride a bike)
2. You know what you don't know. (I know I don't know how to fly a helicopter)
3. You don't know what you don't know. (???)

In a quest for knowledge through higher education, I found the following hypothesis to be absolutely true:

The more you know, the more you realize that you don't know...

I have grown accepting of my current skill levels as long as growth is continuous.

[DearS]

Wow. I'm amazed by the responses. You guys are pretty mature/aware. Amazing. I'm really glad I posted it either way, but I'm really happy/glad this topic is discussed, and you shared your hearts and minds with me/us. Congrats to all of us. We are always blessed, although sometimes we feel it more than others.

Also thank you.

[seeker]

Shame defined

This post made me think of this bit of writing by Dick Gregory (from his autobiography). I think he has the concept of shame pretty well defined here:

http://www.gibbsmagazine.com/Shame.htm

[cjd]

You know, I do believe some of the folks 'round here have some background in psychology too. :P Funny how that works isn't it?

I've never entirely made the connections this thread has brought to mind - I've plenty of ego (er... a solid understanding of reality, my own abilities and shortcomings, and just how to deal with it all) to miss out on the shame, but not everyone in my life has that.

[ThomasW]

You know, I do believe some of the folks 'round here have some background in psychology .

Yes actually 'some' of us are in the profession....

And we know an internet forum is less than an ideal environment in which to deal with one's personal growth and development issues...

As a result this thread will be put in the archives....